“Wait till you have children of your own.” A statement I am familiar with, having heard my mother say the exact same words to me every time I cause her grief. However, I never gave it much thought.
Not until today that is. Thank you episode 10 of Private Practice season 3 for staging the entire scenario before me.
Addison Montgomery made her mother sit down and talk when as it turns out she was hating the wrong parent her whole life. Dad was the womanizer in her eyes, while Mommy was the lonely silent sufferer who endured all her husband’s infidelity. Then she walked in on her mother lip locking with her female assistant, blamed her father for forcing her mother to turn to the assistant for some love and affection, and then hear her mother confess that she has been a homosexual all her life. She married Montgomery because it was what she was suppose to do.
Why do children attempt to fix their parents’ problems? Why do some mothers confide in their daughters and have their daughters complain they are crossing a line, and yet there are mothers who keep things to themselves and hear their “grown up” daughter say they have the right to know, so sit down mother, and talk?
“I did what I could with what I had… So instead of doing what I wanted to, I threw birthday parties and I raised you and your brother… Until you have a child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a mother. You have no idea, the sacrifices a woman makes when she has children.”
I believe the entire confession of Addison’s mother strikes a heart in every mother. From her saying she could have been something and done somethings to the above quote. The above quote also applies to romantic relationships.
Without having children, I see better where my mother comes from because I too am in love with someone, unconditionally and want the best for him. That is what Mom wants – the best for me.
Every woman, married or single (by choice or circumstance), heterosexual or homosexual, Every Woman has dreams and ambitions beyond being a wife, mother, housekeeper and chef.
My mother wanted to be somebody too. Somebody greater than being Mom – she has no idea what a big somebody she is to me, my brother and my sister. No idea. Yet she never lets us forget that she’s our mother.
And you know why? It is because with her acute sense, she makes the best decisions she knows how, for us, and of the sacrifices she has had to make all these 30-some years of being someone’s wife and mother. With young children, she could not take jetsetting jobs or work that took her away from home for long periods of time. That is not to say my mom wasn’t somebody.
My mom was a big deal at Asia’s leading finance group and still holds millions in their shares today. But she may not feel like she has had her shot at her full career potential. She worked fulltime all my life and while I don’t always remember her, she is always here for me. She always calls home to make sure we are doing fine. I used to call her to complain about what a bully my brother was. Mom was always home for dinner. She cooked dinner – rice, three dishes and soup. She was always there to hold me when tears fell from my eyes. I remember how she would give me a wet towel to wipe my face while she braided my hair because she knows I am a vainpot and pretty hair blows the grey clouds away.
Yes my mother is a pretty darn good woman. But there was and probably is a part of her that is thinking of that potential that she will never reach because of the sacrifices and decisions she has had to make in order to have the family that underappreciates her.
Career aspirations aside, there are also certain decisions that mothers make which children never understand or appreciate. My mother was always conservative and very protective. She always struggled with letting go. No to going out with friends was a major issue for me. My dad would let me out and then “fight for my freedom” with my mom while I partied outside. Yet, she let me get on a jetplane and live in a foreign country so many hours away, because she knows this is good for me. She decided to let me pursue my education a million miles away because it would be good for me.
When boys started taking interest in me, my mom was like my spokesperson. She was proud her daughter was popular with the boys yet she was also the protective mother. Mom was always there for me. She has really good sense of people and can tell me what the boy is up to almost as soon as they first say hello. My mom can tell when something is up. She isn’t the most subtle at hiding what is up, but she is always spot-on. And it scares me.
I don’t agree with a lot of my mother’s decisions and almost always argue with her over the way she gets her message across. She isn’t mean, but her technique isn’t polished. She is smart, intelligent and sharp. However, as I told her recently, “Your judgements may be good but sometimes a little off target because you are too conscious about the other factors around.” Other factors such as how other would look at her if she told them her honest verdict.
By experience, I have come to seriously consider my mother’s warnings because boy is she always right! At the same time, I have inherited her acute sense of things, which means I either get super verification or need for a relook.
While it is true I will never truly understand what it is like to be a mother until I have children of my own, I know what it is like to love someone so fiercely that you will sacrifice everything and all your decisions surround this person because you want the best for the person. I am also experiencing the tough decisions Eli has had to make because of his love for me. I may not always understand at the time of decision, but almost immediately after, I just sit in awe of this amazing man who has been sent from up above. I Trust in Him.